..... especially if you are trans. I had a real hammer blow to my confidence today. It's easy to convince yourself that you are invincible and take a don't give a shit attitude. When you walk the trans path you have to do this or just hide away in bedrooms or in dark and dingy venues away from the prying critical eyes of the world.
When you start to be 'out' (as in going out dressed) then you have to be a little bit brazen. It is very easy, as I've just discovered, to forget about the impact that it might have on those around you. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful fiancé and family who support and wholly accept who and what I am. I guess I've been a little selfish in pushing the limits when I go out.
As any 'out' trans person will attest, we take a risk every time we step foot outside our doors. The thing I hadn't factored in was the risk that this might also pose to others that are with me. Needless to say my loving caring family wouldn't be able to stand by and watch if anything bad was to happen to me if some idiot got nasty. This suddenly made me feel very exposed and very destructible!
So, a few well meaning and sensible words knocked me sideways and made me want to crawl under a stone and cry.
Sam had expressed concerns to Toni that he wouldn't be able to defend me while he was on crutches! He wasn't worried about how I was dressed but about whether he could defend me or not. I didn't like feeling exposed, I was invincible after all! Or maybe I wasn't.....
The potential risks are real for all 'out' trans people. Yes they are and by default this poses a risk to those that are with us too.
I spent the morning and some of the afternoon wrestling with my brain and talking to Toni about all of this. I was suddenly very confused. It took some rationalising what I knew to be common sense and logic but I've now accepted that I need to think about appropriate times and places for wearing certain things. To be honest I've always been aware of the need to do this anyway but I guess that got lost when I became invincible. I think perhaps I have been trying to run when I'm only just starting to walk!
So, the bottom line is this: the world can be a cruel, hard and intolerant place and can be risky too. This doesn't mean that we can't go about the business of being who we are but sometimes we need to think about what we are doing and the impact it might have on others (as well as ourselves). I'm not going to suddenly stop being trans and go back to being a 'bloke' I will however modify my attire accordingly if I need to (even if it is reluctantly at times) to try and keep some sanity for my loved ones and friends.
As I've already said. I am truly blessed to have such amazing and supportive people around me and my heart goes out to any trans people out there who feel they are alone and don't have friends and support to help them deal with this fucking shitty place we call a world!
Oh, and although this post seems very angry and maybe even sad I have worked it all through in my head and everything is cool in Glitzland and my confidence hasn't been too badly dented after all!
- Posted using BlogPress on my iPhone
1 comment:
Keith, this looks like a breakthrough moment for you.
Being in your face, flying the flag of I am what I am, is not without risk.
Not everyone is laid back and accepting. People who are not comfortable where they are can take out their feelings on others who appear different. This can include matters of gender, orientation, race, even age.
True self-awareness includes being aware of your impact on others. You've found it.
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