Duck jokes (sorry........)

Duck desperate for a shag and asks room service for some condom's to be sent to the room..
Room service says they'll be put on his bill.
Duck says "FUCK OFF.......I'm not a pervert"


A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, for Christ's sake. Ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating baxtard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"


A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"


A couple order a set meal for two in a Chines restaurant - waiter brings all the dishes out and leaves them to it.
Suddenly the wife screams .... "The lid on that dish just moved and I saw two eyes looking at me"
The scream got the attention of the waiter and the wife explained what she had seen.
"Ah" he said - "That's the peeking Duck"


How do you make a duck into a country singer?
Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill withers.


Man walks into a pub with a duck under his arm, and says "This is Donald, the talking duck. He understands every word I say".
The landlord says "Prove it and I'll give you free beer for the night"
Man says "Donald, what's your favourite street drug of choice?"
Donald says nothing.
Man asks him "Donald, what day is it?"
Donald says nowt.
Landlord chucks them both out into the street. As the man is about to punt the duck over the nearest house, Donald pipes up
"Hang on fella. Wait and see what odds you get tomorrow ......"


A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"
The duck replies, "I've been playing in puddles all day." The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.
A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"
The duck gives the bartender the same answer, "I've been playing in puddles all day." This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it at the bar.
A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world. The bartender asks the duck, "What's wrong with you?"
The duck replies, "My name is Puddles and I've had a terrible day."


A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Has my brother been in here"
The barman says "What does he look like?"