Two Spirits - The Dark Goddess and Butterfly Totem bring clarity

At The Artemis Gathering this weekend I received a lot of clarity about who I am and where I should be.

One thing that is clear is that my transgender journey is very unlikely to end with either of the following:

1) me returning and living completely as a male and identifying as such

2) me having gender reassignment surgery and living completely as a  female and identifying as such.

Neither side of the gender binary speaks to me fully. I am both male and female. I have two spirits within me. I walk the line between both binaries and can step from one side to the other. That's not to say that this didn't sometimes do my head in and left me almost as confused as the people who interact with me. People can handle me saying that I am a man. People can handle me saying that I am a woman (within the confines of their own prejudices of course). Saying that I am neither just causes mental chaos.

So, we went to The Artemis Gathering and I was feeling a little confused about things. I got up on Saturday morning and decided to dress for the occasion. Black tights, leggings, purple mini-tutu, converse and a Misfits t-shirt. All was good, I felt comfortable and was happy. The only thing of note about my image was a woman who came up to me and said, "I am confused...." I asked her, "Why are you confused?" She then asked, "Why are you wearing tights over the leggings?" I politely pointed out that I wasn't, they were under the leggings she just went, "Oh" and bounded off to her friend announcing that all was well in the world! That was surreal I can tell you....

Now a lot of pagan views seem to be based around the stereotypical gender binary. We have Gods and Goddesses. We have Priests and Priestesses. Strangely Witch seems to be a universal term with very few people declaring themselves as Wizards or Warlocks but that is more of an anomaly.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post I attended a Dark Goddess workshop run by Jane Meredith. It was quite an emotional session touching on areas of our lives where things have not gone well and then looking at what happened next. As part of the final ritual we had to ask a question of the Dark Goddess and then receive the answer. I asked if I would ever settle in and be comfortable with my Two Spirit nature (note that I used the term Two Spirit rather than transgender). The answer was a very resounding yes and at that moment I felt very much at peace with myself.

It IS OK to have a Two Spirit nature, to sit outside of the gender binary and be in touch with both the masculine and the feminine without having to identify as either. If only the world wasn't so gender specific and had a neutral marker!

Phase two of my Two Spirit confirmation and validation came in the Totems workshop. The initial analysis when my Totem was revealed as a butterfly was that  I need to accept change within myself and go with the flow which following on from the message that I got from the Dark Goddess session was perfect. I am certainly starting to feel like a butterfly that is emerging!

Just as we need balance in everything such as black/white and light/dark, and we have the true perfect balance of ying/yang with a bit of yang appearing in ying and vice versa, why should we not also have balance in beings on the planet. Two Spirit people carry that balance of male/female and can represent both sides equally without the need to be one or the other. That is well and truly where I know I fit.