Sunday, 1 November 2015

Anxiety/panic attack

Today was a bit of a mixed bag. I woke up feeling a lot better and my lurgs seemed to have taken a back seat which I was delighted about. This meant that I would be able to attend the Dolmen Grove Essex Moot Samhain Ceremony. Toni and I got ready, picked up Giselle and then drove over to Grays. So far so good.

We got there in good time and walked over to the venue ready to set up and then I started to feel strange I then started to get visual distortions which is usually my lead up to a migraine so I headed back to the car and took some ibuprofen and pulled up my hood to block out some light. I was in no state to go anywhere so stayed in the car while Toni and Giselle went off to the Ceremony. At some point during my time there Giselle dropped off some codeine for me.

In the darkness while listening to some relaxation music I did some meditation on what had just transpired. Piecing things together it appeared that I had become the victim of an anxiety/panic attack. I then had to try and dig deeper to see if I could work out what had caused this frustrating manifestation. I think this may well have been a horrible gender dysphoria moment as it was the first time in a while that I had been out in a skirt. It probably all started when Pam started asking Toni questions before we left (one of the reasons why I had been toning it down a bit) although I didn't really bat an eyelid at the time but for whatever reason my brain just exploded for no apparent reason when we got to the moot.

It left me in a very strange mental state. I've had depression in the past and it felt a whole lot like that. Not good, I can tell you! Now comes the fun part of trying to stitch everything back together and trying to get myself back to where I need to be before I head down a path I don't want to be on.

If you hear me saying this in the near future, the chances are it's a lie although I am not expecting to be saying it!!!!!

I'm not down that path at the moment though, I have bounced back and I have great support from Toni before anybody starts to worry too much!


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