Thursday, 15 July 2010

Work contracts and how to SPARKLE!

Well work FINALLY started some movement on the new employment front. Contracts are STILL nowhere to be seen but at least we have now had notification of what the salary uplifts will be so that is one worry out of the way. Wonder how long it will be for the actual contracts to turn up?

This little gem appeared out of the corporate machine today.............. corporate bollocks!

How to Reduce Stress - SPARKLE

We all encounter stress in our day to day lives and a small amount of stress is good to keep us motivated, but we also need to learn how to deal with it when it becomes too much. Using the ‘sparkle’ advice below is a good place to start!

S – Sleep well.
Your bed is for sleeping. When your head hits the pillow, it’s time to sleep, not think. Your bed should NOT be for: watching television, balancing your checkbook, planning the next day, arguing with your spouse, checking your e-mail, or making phone calls. When in bed, books are OK, laptops are not.
P – Plan every day.
Create a to-do list every morning. This gives you a) a roadmap of what you need to do at the beginning of the day, b) a reminder of what still needs to be done throughout the day and c) a place to check off your accomplishments at the end of the day
A – Anticipate less.
Recognize the false assumptions you make that lead to anxiety. Will things really turn out to be as bad as you think? Probably not. When you look to the future, visualize success rather than failure. After all, you really don’t know which it will be. So why not expect the best?
R – Relax.
Breath deeply when you feel stressed. Get up and change your environment, if only for a short time. Go for a walk at lunch. Relaxation means taking a break from what you were doing, not just “vegging out.” For instance, watching television isn’t always relaxing; it can be dumbing and dulling. Find activities that calm your body and stimulate your mind. Create a time for your own kind of meditation. Find a quiet space and a quiet time that’s just for you.
K – Keep Anger under control.
Be empathetic and forgiving to others when they make mistakes. Like you, they’re trying to do their best. Learn to give constructive feedback rather than destructive criticism. When someone makes you angry, remember that you have a choice in how you react. Instead of yelling at that bad driver who cut you off, do a running play-by-play on his erratic driving techniques. It’s more fun.
L – Laugh.
Use positive affirmations to keep yourself on track. Affirmations should use the 4 P’s; personal, positive, passionate and present. For instance, “I am a confident and successful manager who always runs an amazing team.” Find time to share a joke. Laugh at the curves life throws at you rather than fretting over them.
E – Eat Well and Exercise.
Your body needs to be a well-tuned machine to manage all of the stresses that act on it. Avoid eating packaged snacks – anything that comes in a wrapper or plastic bag. Try natural fruit instead. Add more colored vegetables to your meals. Reduce caffeine in your diet. It’s a stimulant and can exacerbate physical symptoms of stress that you may already have. Choose water instead. Avoid the escalator or elevator and take the stairs. Find opportunities to go for a walk. Ideally, get exercise that causes you to sweat for twenty minutes at least three times per week.

What a load of old shite. One of my colleagues rewrote it and came up with this.......

How to reduce stress- SPARKLE

S - Schaudenfreude.
Find someone who's worse off than you and have a f*cking good laugh at them

P - Pornography.
Wank yourself to death. You know you want to ! You might go blind though, and make sure you clean up afterwards. No one likes a person with jizz down their trousers.

A - Anger
Go on ! Reach out and communicate !! Especially with the c**t who's wound you up all day.

R - Resignation
Tell your friendly HR department to stick their job and their acronyms up their arse !!

K - Kleptomania
Help yourself to the contents of the stationary cupboard and make a killing on ebay. They could spare a few computers as well, I'm sure...

L - Lager
Drink yourself into oblivion. Makes you feel crap in the morning, but hey, when you're starting off in the gutter, the day can only get better

E - Excitement
Mind you, you're not in any danger of getting much of that round here.....

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